Episode 27 – Coztastic Voyage

coz27-2
Yes, this flimsy premise is still going on – blasted with unknown radiation from a shrink ray he built out of old Magnavox parts and a Super Soaker CPS 3000, White Cosby has shrunk down to electron-microscopic size in order to find inner peace on the dunes of his own miniature zen sand garden.  But now he keeps shrinking, down to the terrifying world of the bacterioid.  Being such a tiny, nutrient-filled sack of glucose and meat, WC’s mere stench is like a golden dinner bell for all sorts of tubules and spores and things.  Beset on all sides by streptococci, bacilli, and other science-type things, he’s somehow found a way to survive AND record another amazing, life-changing podcast.  Germs, though.  Tiny germs.  Eck.

This image of an amusement park aflame is symbolic of your life before White Cosby's advice.

This image of an amusement park aflame is symbolic of your life before White Cosby’s advice.

Armed to the teeth with weaponry fashioned from bits of eyelash and dust mites and … other really tiny things, White Cosby strikes at the heart of your personal issues.  Grievances like -

  • What’s the proper way to shave a manly face?
  • What’s the deal with baby showers for grandmas?
  • Is it wrong to wear the clothes of a dead relative?
  • What is a real “power hour?”

And, in some inexplicable fashion, White Cosby managed to catch a minuscule screening of the latest Tom Hanks Oscar-grab.  Check out the World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of Captain Phillips!

 

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 26 – Slumberland Frolics!

coz26-1

Come, my dreamland citizens.  You’ve had a lengthy ride in the naptime car aboard the Snoozy-Chug Express, disembarked from the SlumberBurg Station and are deep within SleepVille, where White Cosby reins supreme from a throne of hay and goose down.  I know, I know – you toss and turn.  Your brain goes a mile a minute, discussing and dissecting every waking moment of your dismal day.  You flip the pillow, you change your underpants.  You JUST CAN’T SLEEP ON YOUR OWN (not without dangerous medication, anyway – try it if you like).  But White Cosby knows the secrets of successful sleep, and he’s here to share them with you.  Because… CHRIST.  You look terrible.

Your loved ones are growing distant, mostly because you've done something stupid in your insomnia.

Your loved ones are growing distant, mostly because you’ve done something stupid in your insomnia.

As White Cosby relaxes you with his soothing voice, easing you into coma-like slumber, you’ll receive the calming answers to life’s big questions, such as:

  • COFFEE OR TEA?!
  • Should I pry into why my boyfriend demanded we leave the movies 50 mintues in?
  • When is it appropriate to wear a winter coat (of a dead person)?
  • If my husband takes his ED meds while travelling, does that mean he’s cheating?
  • How should I feel about twerking?

And White Cosby, master of unconsciousness and sleep faces the ultimate expanse of nothingness with his World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of Gravity!  Slip on your polar-bear-fur slippers, get into White Cosby’s patented Sleep-Aid Nutrigenous Goo Chamber, and give it a listen!

 

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 25 – Zen and the Art of Cosby-Style Maintenance

coz25-1

 

You are at peace.  You breathe in the spirit unknown, filling your lungs and, as each bronchial passage is saturated with the essence of life, an overwhelming calm consumes you.  The oneness of all beings, the quality pervading all creation is, at once, becoming clear.  All lines converge, all experiences past and present are visible and true zen, true clarity is achieved.

No. Wait.  Not you.  White Cosby.  YOU are a wreck.

This was you just yesterday!  That woman didn't deserve what you did.

This was you just yesterday! That woman didn’t deserve what you did to her.

After an eye-opening stint at a rehab center, White Cosby has had his eyes truly opened.   Not that this has affected his ability to dole out the advice – that’s always been perfect.   And this week is no exception.  Find out the perfect, complete answers to questions like:

  • What Would White Cosby Have Done Differently Had He Been Black Cosby?
  • How Do I Tell My Low-Life Son I Won’t Co-Sign For Him?
  • Why Are Girls So Mean?
  • Can You Train A Collie To Be An Attack Dog?

And don’t think a life free of possessions and scaled down to the size of a miniature zen sand garden via experimental shrink ray doesn’t mean White Cosby doesn’t need to deliver another World Famous White Cosby Movie Review, this time of Ron Howard’s Rush!  It’s a relaxing, meditative episode sure to kick your ass!

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 24 – CozSpotting

coz24-2

“Hello everyone – my name is White Cosby, and I am addicted to everything.”

With those words, White Cosby began the long, hard road to recovery.  After snorting, injecting, licking, digesting, investing in, rubbing up on, absorbing, basking in, being radiated with, and soaking in every single corrosive, addictive controlled substance known to existence, White Cosby hit rock bottom.  Found in a massive puddle of his own leavings at the place where all the world’s miserable gutters intersect, this cautionary tale was scrubbed up, detoxified, and put through all of the steps you can count.  Now, 36 hours clean, he’s finally read to get back on the horse, advise the people, and leave his junkie friends behind.

This friendly smack-fiend was White Cosby's business partner until 5 days ago.

This friendly smack-fiend was White Cosby’s business partner until 5 days ago.

As part of his recovery, White Cosby’s been supplied with a microphone and a stack of your letters, questions, and cries for help.  In between bouts of manic sobbing and twitching wildly, the ethicist tackles:

  • How Do I Deal With Clients Who Refuse To Pay Up?
  • Should I Write My Teenage Memoirs Even If My Friends Think Its Stupid?
  • How Do I Convince My Luddite Mom To Get A Cell Phone?
  • How Do I  Grow a Manly Beard?

And as part of his group therapy, White Cosby and the rest of the junkie scum was taken out to the cineplexes to deliver a World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of The Wizard Of Oz in IMAX (although he may have become bored and wandered into a different theater.)

Listen, learn, grow, get clean.  We love you too much for you not to.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 23 – Does Coz Even Lift?

coz23-1
Tick-tock.  Tick-tock.  What is that?  Is it a clock?  Yes, obviously.  But it’s also the heart beating in your chest, ceaselessly drumming onward into the grave.  You, however, probably emit a sound closer to a dying Chrysler, what with your arrhythmia and your fat-clogged arteries.  You’re dying, is what we’re getting at here.  But with the help of the sculpted, chiseled, perfected body and equally strengthened-by-natural-means brain of White Cosby, you too can live forever!*  Constant weight-lifting, deep-knee rock squats, snatch’n'grab deltoid flanges – you name the workout, and it’s detailed in this week’s glute-blasting episode.  This one isn’t for the weak of lung or faint of taint.

This will be the state of the arts, technology, fiction, non-fiction, and many of the "pussy-er" sports after this episode.

This will be the state of the arts, technology, fiction, non-fiction, and many of the “pussy-er” sports after this episode.

In between massive sets of curls, punch-downs, and twerks, White Cosby grabbed a protein-and-scrambled-egg-whites-shake, put on his Flex Belt, and tackled this week’s issues with a face full of muscly awesome:

  • How Do I Overcome Writers Block (This Pansy Was Handled With Jock-Like Aplomb)
  • What is the Proper Method for Changing Barbers?
  • How Do I Stop Being Forced Into Hugs?
  • What is the Deal with Vitamins?

And you’ll be pleased to know that White Cosby saw not one but two movies for this week’s World Famous White Cosby Movie Review: Insidious Chapter 2 and The Family!  (Don’t worry, beefcakes – he was doing tight ball crunch lifts throughout both films).

Grab a Creatine sandwich, blast your Ratt albums (always an inspiring choice for a workout) … and then turn down your Ratt albums, or else you can’t listen to this week’s amazing episode!

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby, Uncategorized

Episode 22 – Hortative Hedonism

coz22-2

Hortative (adj.) – tending to exhort; encouraging
Hedonism (n.) - he doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the highest good

So there you go.  White Cosby is back in a human body, his metallic frame rusting in the noonday sun.  Now, what you don’t know is – when you suddenly go from zero sensational input to 100% sensational input, it kind of overloads your head.  It certainly did for Mr. White Coz.  The man cannot get enough sugar, lard, male and female genitalia, roller coasters, true love, puppy kisses, bum fights, all-species orgies, fried foods that are then refried, immense sadness, marathons of the comedy stylings of Yahoo Serious and Emo Phillips, and other great stuff.  He’s gone overboard!  And who benefits? YOU.

There's no higher high than fighting women.  On a lot of drugs.

There’s no higher high than fighting women. On a lot of drugs.

In between snorts of every powder in reach (and whatever else he can turn INTO powder with his mortar and pestle), White Cosby has tackled such indulgent issues as:

  • How Can I Keep Myself Entertained on Long Car Trips?
  • How Do I Get Lipstick Out Of My Husband’s Underpants? – With Special Housekeeping Guest Martha Stewart!
  • Is It Offensive If I Use Ethnic Stereotypes While Eating Out?
  • How Can I Avoid Getting Into Physical Fights With Women?

And White Cosby, buried in popcorn and Bon Bons, takes a critical, bloody eye to Salinger in this week’s World Famous White Cosby Movie Review! (Although it sounds like he may have wandered into Riddick halfway through.)

So overindulge in this week’s madcap episode, shoddily recorded through a full bucket of fried chicken.

 

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 21 – Cerebro-Coz

coz21-1

COMMUNICATION INITIATED. SECURE LINE FOUND. COMMENCE TRANSMISSION OF WHITECOSBY.COM DATA PACKET <EPISODE_21_>

Quick! What happens to America’s favorite personality and the most helpful mind this side of Dear Abby’s frozen head in a jar when his body is stricken with incurable disease?  And then his surgeons leave twelve ravenous honey badgers in his chest cavity?  And then a shipping tanker falls on the whole thing?  Well, he dies, is what.  Yes, last week, shortly after completing another award-winning* episode of Ask Dr. White Cosby, the doctor himself died a thousand deaths** and let loose the surly bonds of earth.  Then, per his instructions, his brain and vital organs were placed inside a hideous mechanical shell so that the world could spin on, content that it’s manifold problems would have a savior.

These two lucky "olds" will soon die and be reborn.  The privileged elite become monsters, thanks to science!

These two lucky “olds” will soon die and be reborn. The privileged elite become monsters, thanks to science!

Yes, Cerebr0-Coz “lives,” and his nuclear-powered servos and cerebral net are hell-bent on fixing your problems.  This week, Cerebro-Coz takes the following middling human affairs into his massive steel pincers:

  • Should we giving a fat $%!@ about the Royal Baby?
  • What can I do about my husband’s tendency to pinch bottoms?
  • How do I confront my swinger father-in-law?
  • How can I avoid being “catfished?”
  • And, as a being of pure logic and cold metal has no need of entertainment, sit in stilled awe during the LAST World Famous White Cosby Movie Review of One Direction: This is Us: The Concert Film of the Summer!

It’s all here!  Robots! Intrigue! Podcast!  Subscribe, submit a question to the Answertron 5000, and download the show either right here or in iTunes!

END OF LINE.

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 20 – Invalid Instruction

coz20-2

…Not “invalid” as in “not valid.”  That would just be silly.  This episode is just as valid as any other, just as full of sound advice and just counsel.  White Cosby, while his faculties remain, is spending every waking hour fixing the problems of the planet.  ”Invalid” as in “an infirm or sickly person.”  Because White Cosby is on his death bed.  He’s in the final stages of a debilitating disease.  Granted, he’s trying herbal remedy after herbal remedy, each of them more successful than the last, but sometimes the body just quits, no matter how many poultices of duck fat, bat saliva, red clay, and hummus you wear in a burlap bag around your neck.

This image has nothing to do with the above paragraph.  I was just proud of my minimal PhotoShop skills and had to share it.

This image has nothing to do with the above paragraph. I was just proud of my minimal PhotoShop skills and had to share it.

But before his body becomes a mere flesh husk (and his brain and organs are transplanted into CerebroCoz, his homemade metallic frame (ensuring his wisdom lives on, in terrifying robot form), White Cosby tackles the important questions, such as:

  • How can you really believe in Global Warming?
  • How do I deal with folks who think my infant is cool because I make him wear sunglasses?
  • How do I make my wicked, money-grubbing stepmother pay for my late father’s headstone?
  • Why did Anthony Wiener continue his escapades after getting caught?

And, as one of his final living treats, White Cosby gives you the skinny about The Mortal Instruments: CIty of Bones in an all-new World Famous White Cosby Movie Review!

White Cosby’s final wish was for you to download this episode, submit a question yourself, and rate the show highly in iTunes.  He’s dead now.  Do it for him.

Posted in Uncategorized

Episode 19 – Green Cosby

coz19-1

The world is coming to an end, and we are to blame.  Humanity, through its constant selfish behavior, has plunged the planet past the breaking point, and now it’s only a matter of time before the seas boil, the coasts crumble to dust, all animals turn on all humans, and those that don’t turn on their human friends (dogs, ducks, camels) stop eating and go extinct in a passive-aggressive attempt to distance themselves from those “intelligent” apes that fucked the planet to nothing.  At least, that’s how things are going now.  If we all just buckle down and listen to White Cosby this week, we’ll learn everything we need to know about preserving this friendly blue orb of ours.

Did you know that brushing and whitening causes incurs a major carbon footprint?  The British are some of the most green people around.

Did you know that brushing and whitening incurs a major carbon footprint? The British are some of the most green people around.

In one single episode, White Cosby becomes Green Cosby, preserver of nature and friend to trees and crap.  Aside from the usual environmental advice (carpooling, not burning plastic in large bonfires, killing all household pets), White Cosby also tackles these important issues:

  • A rebuttal to last week’s question of “Amazing face with bad body, or amazing body with bad face?”
  • Is being turned on by a particular set of teeth weird? Is it a fetish?
  • How does White Cosby handle a braggart with a perfect life?
  • Just what in the hell is going on in a game of baseball?

And don’t forget to stick around, as White Cosby busts out the justice scales and the calipers to give Kick-Ass 2 the World Famous White Cosby Movie Review treatment!

Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby

Episode 18 – Venti Counsel Macchiato

coz18_2

 

Live from high atop his mountainous bean empire in the wilds of Peru comes the latest bracing cup’o'joe from White Cosby.  The finest, purest waters are brought to a boil, the Chanchamayo have been crushed to a fine dust, and your mug is now brimming with what is, essentially, hot dirty bean water.  …of advice.  The crema floating atop your perfectly steamed espresso forms into a smiling face, and that face whispers the answers to all of your questions.  Take a sip of this episode.  Feel the pep as grams and grams of caffeine course their way through your blood stream – your eyes pop with knowledge, your veins contract with understanding, you die at a relatively younger age than you would have otherwise.  ALL BECAUSE OF THIS SHOW AND YOU OBSESSION WITH ALL THINGS COFFEE.

article-1274350607149-05B81F1E000005DC-119641_636x375

Insomnia is just one of the many side effects from this week’s episode. Plenty of time to check the millions of hours of porn the internet has waiting for you!

This week, White Cosby cracks open the fruit of the coffee tree, puts his indigenous laborers to work, and grinds up a special blonde roast just for you.  Inside your mug this week you’ll find answers to:

  • How did you get White Cosby off the ground, and what advice do you have for a small business trying to do the same?
  • Should I feel insulted or insecure if my loyal husband frequently “checks” internet porn?
  • Amazing face with bad body, or amazing body with bad face?
  • Is it fair for my husband to force me to learn a stick shift?

And don’t forget this week’s triple shot – not one, not two, but 3 movies in this week’s World Famous White Cosby Movie Review: Elysium, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters, and Disney’s Planes!

 

Posted in Ask Dr. White Bill Cosby